Why who you are sexually doesn't need to reflect who you are outside the bedroom

Why who you are sexually doesn’t need to reflect who you are outside the bedroom


Sexual identity is something that most of us continue to explore as we mature through life – one thrilling aspect of who we are as complex beings.

The bedroom births a different side of us – it’s a private space, a playground for expression and vulnerability. Outside of the bedroom, a different form of expression takes place, and may involve another version of how we perceive ourselves sexually.

According to sexual happiness brand Lovehoney, this could be anything from the way someone dresses to the kind of content they consume on their social feeds.

The idea that who we are sexually doesn’t need to reflect who we are outside of the bedroom is a reminder that you aren’t any less yourself if your sexual identity is not with you 24/7, and there are at least three good reasons why.

Image: GoodTherapy

We are complex

As humans, we are complicated. Our personalities are influenced by a myriad of media every day. So it should come as no surprise that we are not bound to behave a certain way.

Think of it like wearing different hats for different occasions – I am a different person when I am with certain friends, family members, co-workers and lovers. This does not make me any less of an authentic or honest person, it just showcases the depth and colours of my personality.

Accepting that you are multidimensional is the first step to realising that sexuality is just one element of who you are as a whole, and it does not have to be ingrained in everything you do, nor does it dictate your worth.

To explore that side of yourself, sex toys that are safe and fun to use in a solo setting, including vibrators, dildos, and anal toys, are one way to do so. Most modern toys are easy to operate and given the range on offer, they’re perfect for exploration. For our fellas, the Blowmotion toy – a warming male masturbator – is a top contender.

We are not put here to please others… all the time

Who we are in our private and public lives and how we choose to express ourselves should be entirely up to us. What I’m saying is who you are outside the bedroom should not be influenced by others’ perspectives. Trying to live up to expectations can create unnecessary pressures and guilt.

The solution to this? Love yourself enough to live for yourself, and remember – you can only feel guilty for expressing yourselves if you allow it.

Exploration can be a great way to express yourself and discover different avenues of pleasure. Dabbling in something a little kinkier than your usual may seem intimidating at first, but it can be a healthy opportunity for you to learn more about yourself. We all have different levels of ‘kink’ and there are a variety of toys out there for everyone’s unique sexual needs, including nipple and clitoral toys, plus bondage and fetishwear!

There are so many layers that make up who you are. It is your responsibility to understand your wants and needs and what makes you happy. How the hell can you happily sleep with yourself if you are contorting to meet others’ standards?

As Mama Ru says:

Some like it hot and some do not

Not everyone is as sexually open or expressive as others in public. For all our Samantha Jones out there, sexual expression in your personal and private life may have less of a disparity compared to others, and that’s fine – whatever comes naturally to you!

Some want to talk about the wild, hot sex they had the night before and others are just happy to listen and not partake. Neither one are wrong, and neither one should be shamed – they’re just different.

For those looking to enhance their pleasure, whether you talk about it or not, there are a range of sexual wellness essentials available. From travel-sized orgasm balms that increase blood flow for extra stimulation, to cock rings that can deliver intense sensations, you’re seriously spoiled for choice!

If you’re not feeling these options don’t be discouraged, just remember – our different preferences are what make us all unique and keep things interesting.

All in all…

At the end of the day, and as cliche as it sounds, your happiness is the most important thing. So stay courageous and remember: wanting to please others only disconnects you further from exploring your true self.

Now is the perfect time to put on your sexual explorer hat and give it a red hot crack!