What do urine, panties, masturbation and a whole lot of porn all have in common? If you answered ‘a middle-aged fetishist who is sexually unsatisfied’, you were close, but no cigar. This is the content of just some of the results I got from Google while researching this article.
If I got arrested and the cops checked out my internet history right now… I would probably be considered a bit of a perve. And while ‘middle-aged fetishist who is sexually unsatisfied’ might actually be a good way to describe many music fans, we’re here today to discuss the bands you should probably never Google (at least in public), because it might not go down so well.
Coming up with a memorable, decent band name can be hard. Sometimes the decency part gets thrown to the wind. Here are 7 bands you love but should never Google.
Despite having only been around for three years, Naked Bodies actually take up about half the results in the first page of a Google search — which is pretty impressive; those guys must have their SEO shit together*. Other results include stories about women warriors, femenist activists and Ashley Tisdale’s hot bod. While I’m a big fan of Naked Bodies, featuring Quang Dinh — previously of Little Red fame — a quick Google search of the group may actually teach you a bit about gender, sexuality and body confidence. Never a bad thing.
Sex on Toast
I was taught at uni to never start an essay or article with a dictionary definition; it’s lazy and a rookie error. But frankly, this Urban Dictionary description of Sex on Toast is too good to leave out: “1. To have sex early in the morning, an activity usually coupled with ‘breakfast in bed’. 2. To masturbate onto a piece of toast and subsequently consume it.” I’m not sure if Aussie band Sex on Toast took this into consideration when coming up with their band name, but their music is just nuts enough to make me believe that they did. Take a chance, and check them out. Their eighties-influenced tunes are worth it.
Girls Pissing on Girls Pissing
Perhaps returning the dirtiest Google results of this list, Auckland avant-garde group Girls Pissing on Girls Pissing conjures some fairly intense imagery. Take a listen to these guys, and you kind of won’t be too surprised that this is what they named their band. Their industrial-sounding tracks weave chanting through guitars and ambient noise to create an eery conglomeration of sounds that wouldn’t be out of place in a less-funny remake of What We Do in the Shadows.
Not Just Porns
This was always going to be a toughie to achieve high Google rankings. While it may look good on tour posters and album covers, the name ‘Not Just Porns’ is general enough to not even make an appearance in the first five pages of a Google search. Instead, you can read about pro-porn activists, censorship of things other than porn, gay dinosaur porn and why ultra-orthodox Jews are scared of the internet. It turns out this punk group originally hail from Japan, and thanks to Google translate, I discovered their name in Japanese is ‘Dakedenaku Poruno’, which is actually a pretty good band name.
If you hadn’t heard of Dick Diver before, you might think it was the name of a well-endowed porn star. You’d be wrong, and also missing out on some pretty sweet tunes by one of Australia’s best up-and-coming guitar-pop bands. Take a listen, and you’ll realise that this group are more than just an excellent name. Tip: don’t over-think what dick diving could actually mean in a physical sense. Luckily the band have gained enough traction of late to rank pretty highly in search rankings, so you can avoid awkward conversations with your girlfriend when she finds ‘dick diver’ in your search history.
With a recent spate of up-skirting incidents plaguing the nation, this might be one of the harder ones to explain away as your boss looks over your shoulder. The others could be considered consenting activities, but up-skirting is a straight-up sex crime. Escalators, celebrity underwear and advice on how to best achieve up-skirting rank highly on this Google search, so you’d best look up these guys in private. If you can get some alone time with Upskirts, check them out. Their low-key psychedelic tunes are great and don’t seem to indicate any illegal habits other than the green kind. I’m sure Upskirts is just a name, right?
I’m not sure whether Reckless Vagina is just a euphemism for slut-shaming, but I prefer to think of vaginas running all over the place and getting into mischief. This group are from Sydney’s Newtown, because of course they are. And despite their name, they write awesome, well-considered and just plain pretty songs that are Beatle-esque in sound. I think if anyone was to discover that you were looking up ‘reckless vagina’ and weren’t aware of the band, they would be impressed with your specificity in search terms for whatever it was you were seeking out. Give it a whirl, eh?
*Guys call us, Happy needs some Google SEO help for reals!
While you’re here check out our piece on funny band names.