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Sideburns and artificial intelligence: read a 1-month excerpt from the diary of Soupy LaRue

Words by Soupy LaRue

Wednesday 21st Oct

Ugh, so out of shape. I need to start running again. I just hate it so much. Haven’t done any deliberate exercise since the 19th century. I looked online, found some artificially intelligent running shoes.

Apparently they strap themselves to your feet at six every morning and take you running, whether you’re motivated or not. Guess I’ll give them a go.

soupy larue

Friday 23rd Oct

The shoes came yesterday, and today they did their thing. 5km in an even 30 minutes. I guess they just run at their pace and my legs have to keep up. Feels alright.

Saturday 24th Oct

Mmmmm popcorn good cronchy yumm.

Wednesday 28th Oct

I think the shoes are getting bored with my runs. They want to go further. See the world. Not sure how I feel about it.

Sunday 1st Nov

This isn’t okay. The running shoes took me on a full marathon this morning. 42km. I was STILL DRUNK! It was AWFUL! I threw up everywhere. I’m getting rid of them. Throwing them in the river.

Monday 2nd Nov

They came back. I woke up two suburbs away running at full pace. I took so much acid last night. I thought I was still tripping. I took them to a petrol station and stashed them in the back of a truck going interstate. Lets see them run back from there.

Tuesday 3rd Nov

They did it. They were late – 9:30 – but they made it back, and they kicked down my door, and they took me running again. I’ve taped them up in a box, and I’m mailing them cross country. They’ll fall apart before they drive 4300km across the desert.

Thursday 5th Nov

No sign of the shoes. I think it finally worked.

Friday 6th Nov

I wonder how I’d look with sideburns. Like, big bushy mutton chops. I’ll try it out.

Saturday 7th Nov

They came back. They stole a car. Drove it back to me. I think they’re angry too. We ran to the beach, and they stopped suddenly at the shoreline. I fell face first into the sea. Then we ran back while I was still all salty. I’m bleeding from chafe.

Postage to Russia wasn’t cheap, but if this doesn’t get rid of those damned shoes, I don’t think I can go on.

Friday 20th Nov

Sideburns were a mistake. Everyone’s judging me silently. I know they are. Plus my wife just left me. I think it was because I’m too insecure.

Friday 20th Nov

No, wait, she’s back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Monday 23rd Nov

I still haven’t heard from the shoes. I hope they’re okay. I feel bad. I mean, they only wanted to help.

Tuesday 24th Nov

I made some calls. The Vladivostok police said they saw some shoes matching the description marching into the ocean a couple of weeks ago. There’s no way they can walk across the sea floor that far and survive.

Did I kill them? What happens to AI sneakers? I’m so confused. I need help.

Wednesday 25th Nov

I went and saw a priest. He made me feel much better. He said the runners probably are dead, but that they were ultimately kind in intention, so probably went to heaven. I didn’t know clothes could go to heaven.

Apparently though, it turns out shoes have souls.

 

 

Soupy LaRue’s latest single ‘Worried Man Blues’ is out now.