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The first ever Amazon review for The White Stripes is fucking hilarious

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Back in 1999, The White Stripes has just released their self-titled debut. Jack and Meg were still relatively unknown and a far cry from the monolithic rock gods they are today. But that’s not to say they hadn’t started racking up some accolades that foresaw a future of greatness.

In fact, the first Amazon review the band ever got is perhaps their most shining, and by far their most hilarious.

White Stripes 1999 review

You need to read the first ever review that The White Stripes got on Amazon – it’s fucking hilarious.

It came in the form of a hysterical 500+ ramble from Amazon user/newly converted White Stripes disciple Adam Beales just a month after the White Stripes’ debut was released.

Bales’ disbelief at the band’s relative lack of attention gives way to a gloriously impassioned review of the album’s 17 tracks including a myriad of spelling mistakes, made-up words, malapropisms and hyperbole.

Here are some choice cuts from what is perhaps the greatest record review of all time:

“If you still ain’t got the drift, take a lissen to “The Big Three Killed My Baby”, and let that school you on up. It’s got something for the whole fambly!! Smartypants lyrix, swell dunderhead riffage, and that amazing Bon-Scott-choking-to-death-on-his-own-vomit VOICE.”

“If Robert Plant coulda singed like that, Led Zeppelin might have even sold a few rekkids.”

“Honestly, if you don’t already dig this strain of hingeless gutter spew, the White Stripes won’t convert you. BUT if you like it neat, cheap, and served in a dirty glass, the. WHITE STRIPES gonna set you up fine.”

If this guy needs a job, all he has to do is ask.

Read the full review below – it’s also still on Amazon.

white stripes review

[Thanks to CoS for bringing this to light]

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March 24, 2017