Admit it gentlemen (and ladies for those who are inclined), you have looked in the mirror at your baby smooth face and thought “Can I pull it off?” What would I look like with an epic lip scarf, tea strainer, lip shadow, flavour saver, mid face fringe or twirly nose tickler. Imagine sporting a big Mexican or Walrus moustache useful for catching crumbs and snacking on later. Will it hold the sexiness of Tom Selleck or would you sport the look of a neighbourhood pedophile? There’s only one way to find out.*
Gone are the days of clean faces and exposed skin as musicians are keeping their upper lips warm and snug this winter and you should too. Scientists have proven that unknown special musical powers come with a 1970s look-a-like ‘stache and with moustaches like these you wouldn’t expect anything less. We have searched far and wide among the scruffy faces of our home talent to find the top must-have-staches (aka filthiest) parading around at the moment. I’ve always wondered if they are convincing us that their music sounds better because they own one.
This illustration of the five dirtiest stashes in Aussie music is by Mike Watt.
With the month of Movember upon us, here are our top 5 Australian artists who support their upper lip region with majestic facial fuzz. Yes, this listicle is dedicated to our friendly nosey neighbour, the moustache.
Kirin J Callinan
Let’s kick things off with old mate Kirin. What a filthy mo. And to top that off he’s got a mullet too. What a legend. Although this combo might dictate some sort of yobbo profile, Kirin is anything but. He’s a prickly character, and he wields his black Duesenberg like an absolute master, spurting ungodly sounds churned out through an array of effects pedals and an obtuse understanding of how to convey emotion through music. There’s an element of charm to him, no doubt inflated by his incredible toothbrush mo, but like all great charmers it’s obscured by a innate darkness – something that makes him one of the most enigmatic figures in Aussie music.
Donny Benet
This ones a lethal stache. Italian heat is not sexually charged without a saucy moustache to complement the tracks laid down by Donny Benet. What the 80s nostalgic lad lacks in hair up top (such a beautiful dome) he brings with his A game under the nose section. The mo-advocate is absolutely enchanting, making it hard to look away while watching him on stage or in his magnificent music vidz. The hair, the clothes, the ‘stache that could even impregnate your girlfriend with one flick. In recent times the caterpillar that was resting above his lip has evolved and spread its wings down his chin, and we are loving it.
Cleopold
As enchanting and seductive as his crooning, Cleopold sports a full bodied push broom ‘stache that holds blonde highlights you couldn’t get in a salon. The moustache itself injects his songs with testosterone driven passion that makes anyone in its path swoon. Could you imagine the man without his moustache. It’s utterly disgusting. It’s like finding out nudists beaches are mainly populated with oily old European men first hand. You just don’t want to experience that sort of thing.
Touch Sensitive
Just look at that thing. Look at that marvellous slug that has perched itself nice and comfortably on Di Francesco’s upper lip region. That ‘stache has made him the slamming bass guitarist and Ableton extraordinaire he is today. His own mother doesn’t know what his upper lip looks like, since he was probably born with the thing. Admired by all types of musicians across this southern land this moustache has urged others to grow such beautiful slugs of their own. Legend has it the notorious beat laid down in Pizza Guy was whispered to Touch Sensitive by his own moustache. 9 out of 10 we give him for 1970s porn-stache look-a-like (but we are not complaining).
Nick Cave
This iconic moustache needs no introduction. The mans devotion to his stache is utterly legendary and intimidating. Just looking at it screams “Do not fuck with me.” Imagine if it could tell the stories it knows. The bad boy of music has sported the most holy of handle bar and horseshoe moustaches…. well used to. He quotes “My wife found my stash of Rohypnol, drugged me, and shaved it off.” What a dark day for the man who stated: “A man without a moustache is rather like a woman with one.” With sophistication comes fans and it even has its own Facebook page for the discussion, worship and awe-struck admiration of Nick Cave’s moustache. Needless to say his hairy facial friend gave him the mustachiod powers that allow him to do the work he does.
*Technically it isn’t in my genetic code to be able to grow a moustache but I can still admire.
Ed: A special mention to Johnny from Pretty City who we caught on the weekend. That boy can stand tall next to any of these lads!
