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“Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is the kind of phrase you use when you’re trying to G your mate up for coming along on a double date with a hot girl who, unfortunately has a less than impressive looking friends. What is a cover for unless to give an accurate representation of what’s inside? Now, I know not all album covers can be as perfectly on brief as Flying LotusYou’re Dead, but below are some examples of album art that just don’t suit the record you’re meant to be enjoying. Also this is bloody fun!

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Here are 6 albums whose covers are hilariously (some intentionally) off the mark when it comes to what’s inside.

Pearls – Pretend You’re Mine

One look and you might guess that there’s at least one song on this album destined to be a mid-20’s ladies’ pre-drinks theme song, akin to Venus or anything by Cyndi Lauper. But instead we’re treated to a dark Lynchian soundscape, the modern day equivalent of the band from The Roadhouse in Twin Peaks. Sure you might find the empowerment you’re looking for in this record, but it’s going to be a dark empowerment. The type of empowerment you feel when you know you’ve hit rock bottom, it can’t get any worse and that fuels your fire. Put away the alcopops, grab some heroin, and wallow your night away.

Ausmuteants – Order Of Operation

Ausmuteants – Order Of Operation

Crazy synth punk and menial clerical duties rarely go hand in hand, but here Ausmuteants are very much trying to tie the two wrists together in an attempt to make it happen. This isn’t the kind of album synonymous with an at ease work environment and it’s definitely not the kind of album you’ll find as the hold music when you call up Officeworks. Or perhaps I’ve completely missed the mark. Maybe having to fix a paper jam is a chaotic experience full of yelling, distorted guitars and retro synth sounds.

Madonna – Rebel Heart

Madonna - Rebel Heart

The cover of this album should be a letter from Madonna’s therapist profusely apologising for his/her failure at keeping her locked up and quiet. Instead we’re subjected to another go-to “controversial” record splicing sexuality with Catholicism which is so old-hat that Sydney’s private schools have been doing it for decades. The highly paid Yes People she surrounds herself with have the blood from my ears on their hands.

Ed Sheeran – X

Ed Sheeran – X

2:02am – Asylum Records Christmas Party 2013

Coked-Out Marketing Guy 1: Hey man, I might be heaps wasted right now but I reckon we can put whatever we want on the cover of the next Ed Sheeran record and it’ll push 5 million units easy!

Coked-Out Marketing Guy 2: Dude you are so right! Let’s just put an X on the cover and use a really garish colour scheme!

Unpaid Intern: Guys, didn’t The xx already make that album cover?

Coked-Out Marketing Guy 1: What? Who? No one knows who they are kid. Now bugger off we’re going to go do more blow and Frisbee unlistened to demos at each other.

Unpaid Intern: I’ve been here five years and I’ve not met one person who knows who Jackson Browne is.

Angus & Julia Stone – Angus & Julia Stone

Angus & Julia Stone – Angus & Julia Stone

There is something blatantly missing from the cover of this record and it’s the caveman-like figure of producer Rick Ruben. It’s all anyone would talk about in the lead up to this record’s release. Rick pulled them together, Rick worked tirelessly with the duo, Rick did this, Rick did that. No! Rick got PAID. If you’re going to spend your money on him and spend all your time talking about it, just go one further and put him on the cover.

Vance Joy – Dream Your Life Away

Vance Joy – Dream Your Life Away

Listening to this record is like eating a big bag of fairy floss, its sweet and fluffy but if you’re not a fan of pretty folk-pop you may find yourself on your knees covered in your own vomit with early onset diabetes. The appropriate cover for this record would be a continuous loop of Youtube puppies videos. Now you say that putting moving pictures onto a record cover is impossible and I rebut, I’m sure there is enough spare cash lying around after album sales to make it happen.

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AUSMUTEANTS MADONNA PEARLS ED SHEERAN ANGUS AND JULIA STONE

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April 2, 2015