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Humans forced to hide from sex-crazed monkeys taking over Thai city

So, we all collectively agree that the murder hornet fiasco back in May was just a filler episode to the psychological drama that is 2020, right?

Well, June 2020 has given us maybe this year’s most cooked sub-plot yet, get ready: gangs of sex-crazed monkeys in Thailand forcing residents to barricade their homes while they *checks notes* steal spray cans? Planet of the Apes could never.

Thailand, monkeys, sex, crazed, 2020

Residents are forced to barricade their front doors in Thailand as more than 6,000 sex-crazed monkeys take to the streets in the ancient city of Lopburi.

Residents in the ancient province of Lopburi, Thailand, north-east of Bangkok, are being forced indoors as rival monkey gangs rampage through the city creating no-go zones for humans.

When these monkeys aren’t terrorising ancient cities, usually they are a harmless tourist attraction, fed by visitors keen to get a cute pic. However, since tourists to Thailand dwindled amid the coronavirus pandemic, these monkeys have put the matter of food sourcing into their own hands.

Happy first reported on the monkeys hitting the streets of Lopburi with footage of hundreds of the starving monkeys brawling over food in March. Since then, residents have been trying to wane the monkeys away by feeding them junk food and snacks. However, this has only helped create a sex-crazed monkey population, who, propelled by a sugar high, are breeding like wildfire, with the numbers now soaring well over 6,000.

“The more they eat, the more energy they have … so they breed more,” says a manager for the Prang Sam Yod temple’s surrounding shrines.

One Thai resident has described the scene saying, “We live in a cage but the monkeys live outside.” 

Deadset the monkeys have just completely overrun the city in competing rival gangs, beating each other up for food. One gang even have their own headquarters in an abandoned movie theatre where they lay their fallen monkeys-comrades to rest in the projector room. Apparently, if you even step foot near the establishment you will legit be attacked.

But not all heroes wear capes and one nearby shop owner nearby is fighting back with stuffed tiger and crocodile toys to scare off the monkeys, who regularly steal spray-paint cans from his store. Meanwhile, the rest of Lopburi just hide behind their barricaded front doors, I guess.

So, how do we think this will all end? Spoilers, monkey domination.

Thai authorities have decided to whip-out their monkey sterilisation program, which will see the mammals lured by giant floating fruit into cages and be taken away to be anaesthetised and marked to track neutering. However, there are reports that these efforts could be fruitless. With a population too unruly, numbers may be too high for this population control to even work. So there is talk of just building a bigger and better sanctuary nearby.

I don’t even know what to say… 2020 is well and truly cooked beyond belief and a world ruled by monkeys seems kind of fitting for our current political climate anyway.