Ozzy Osbourne’s “fail-safe” hangover cure is the worst thing ever

Check out Ozzy Osbourne’s “fail-safe cure” for a hangover, written when he was the star health columnist for The Sunday Times in Britain.

For a period in 2010, Ozzy Osbourne was the star health columnist in the British Sunday Times, understandably to much furore in the international medical community.

However, The Times argued that Ozzy’s multiple near-death experiences, 40 year history of drug abuse, and extreme hypochondria qualified him more than any other for the job.

ozzy osbourne

Nonetheless, each article was stamped with the disclaimer, “Warning: Ozzy Osbourne is not a qualified medical professional. Caution is advised.” So, you know, all good.

During his time writing the column (which involved him answering health-related questions from readers), Ozzy divulged his “fail-safe cure” for a hangover at the behest of one Rod from Canterbury. It read as follows:

“Q: Dear Dr Ozzy, in your experience, which alcoholic beverage delivers the least unpleasant hangover? As the festive season approaches, I’d like to indulge in the merriment while making the mornings after as bearable as possible.

A: You’re asking the wrong question. Trying to cure your hangover while you’re still drinking ain’t gonna have a happy ending, no matter what kind of booze you avoid. Alcohol is alcohol. If you drink enough of it, nothing on the planet can save you.And after the third glass, any rule you’ve made for yourself is gonna go straight out of the window.

What you should be asking me is how to treat the hangover. Over the years, I developed a fail-safe cure. Basically, I’d mix four tablespoons of brandy with four tablespoons of port, throw in some milk, a few egg yolks, and — if I was in a festive mood — some nutmeg. The second I woke, I’d mix it up and down it.

The way it works is very clever: it gets you instantly blasted again, so you don’t feel a thing. The only drawback is that, unless you keep drinking, the hangover that eventually catches up with you is about a thousand times worse than it would have otherwise been.”

I don’t know if getting “instantly blasted again” is the best advice for most, Ozzy, but cheers for the tip.