It’s that time of the year where all around Australia shopping centres blast holiday cheer in your faces. We have searched all over the interwebs to find the top ten Xmas gems that have, in the past, been known to reduce retail workers to a pile of weeping Grinches in their stockrooms. So sit back, relish in the incredible filth that constitutes commercial Christmas and have a good laugh. It will all be over soon.
Grab a bucket and get ready to watch a bunch of artists throw their dignity down the drain. Here are the top 10 worst Christmas songs of all time.
Text Me Merry Christmas – Kristin Bell & Straight No Chaser
This had to be a joke right? If Text Me Merry Christmas is the new age of Christmas carols, then we have witnessed the official end of holiday romance. This song urges me to drive off into the Australian bush and hide out in a shack until its a safe time to emerge back into society.
Mistletoe – Justin Bieber
Complete aural fungus. How the Biebs racked up over 222 million views on Youtube for this tragedy, we will never know*. If you ever start to think that maybe the dude is alright just remember he did this.
Santa Baby – Kylie Monogue
Anyone who tries to sing Eartha Kitt’s 1953 classic Santa Baby ends up looking creepy and childish. Kylie Monogue painfully attempts to make Christmas sound sexy, but instead the song slowly eats away at your brain matter. Do not play this at Christmas unless you want to be serenaded by your aunty Muriel on the piano (no one will ask for it but she usually does it anyway).
Christmas Tree – Lady Gaga ft. Space Cowboy
This song is the reason why you can’t play a random Christmas playlist on Spotify at your Grandma’s house. Horribly contrived NSFW lyrics include “Wind me up put me on top let’s falalalala.” Won’t somebody please think of the children.
Last Christmas – Wham!
I first heard this song from it being stuffed into little plush toys and it made me want to cry every time someone would turn it on. It goes through the entire song people! Last Christmas is an awful ballad about re-gifting, which I’m sure a lot of people will be carrying out this season, but re-gifting your heart? Poor, poor George Michael. And the less we talk about their hair the better.
8 Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child
“On the third day of Christmas my baby gave to me/ A gift certificate to get my favourite CDs” – yes that’s a genuine lyric. I apologise to any Beyonce fans but this song is just sad. To repeat “Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?” and “My man, so sexy” in the same song is not Christmassy in anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Funky Funky Xmas – New Kids on the Block
The award for most horrible lyrics goes to New Kids on the Block, where they dedicate an entire verse to ensuring that their fireplace has no fire in it so Santa won’t get burnt. Congrats. What have we learned from this? To never wear a shirtless jacket combo? To have a boy band attempting rapping? No, no, it’s to never let a boy band do a Christmas song.
Heavy Metal Christmas – Twisted Sister
The butchering of the classic 12 Days of Christmas. Any song that has a tattoo of Ozzy Osbourne as the #1 tends to prick interest. However, I can’t get through the whole song without getting a headache (my record is 45 seconds). This is probably the most embarrassing thing a rock band has ever done, even if it was Twister Sister.
All I Want For Christmas is You – Mariah Carey & Justin Bieber
Ah yes. The remake that no one asked for. The 1994 hit would have comfortably sat in the Billboard charts yet again for another year in December if the remake was done or not. But why not re-release it with Justin Bieber? The age difference and entire film clip is just so cringe-worthy. For anyone working in retail and is forced to listen to this song 50 times a day, *Hunger Games salute.
Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney and Wings
This song can be seen in two ways; complete droning garbage or musical masterpiece. It just depends if you’re hungover on Boxing Day or drunk on Christmas. Truly an awful product of McCartney throwing together a Christmas song to sell more albums. Those echoing synths…
And now to the best Christmas song of all time:
*ED. One word: tweens.