A guide to making a hit with The Ruminaters

how to make a hit with the ruminaters
Photos: Dani Hansen

Let’s think of it like a recipe. Our recipe is pretty complex, but I’ll try and break it down.

Every recipe starts with its ingredients: 1 fluid ounce of Pencil, 100g of Mossy, 3 pieces of Jarleth (thinly sliced), and a dash of Teddy.

Once you’ve gathered your ingredients what you want to do is throw them under a house in a room with no windows, no aircon and mould growing from every corner.

You want to lock them in there for roughly 6 hours, 2 to 3 times a week for about 5 years.

By this stage you should be well on your way to making a hit but it’s not done yet.

Your going to want to pluck them out, give them all a good ol’ rub, then chuck them on an airbus A380 bound for London.

This is the good part, like going from the oven to the grill. To get the perfect crisp.

Using your mitts (this hit is hot) carefully remove the slightly undercooked boys from the A380 and slip them into studio 2 at the famous RAK Studios.

I actually forgot an ingredient. Your going to need a pinch of Rob Brinkman. This ingredient can be a hard one to source.

So if you can’t find any Rob you could substitute for something else. But for the finest hit, get some Rob.

Now the easy part, just sit back and let Rob and the boys marinate in studio 2 for a couple of weeks.

Where McCartney, Radiohead, The Stones and Hot Chocolate have all marinated before.

Okay I know you’re getting anxious now. The hit is so close you can almost taste it.

2 weeks is up and it is time.

Using metal tongs, gently remove The Ruminaters from studio 2.

Let them cool off a bit and then have a taste…

Can you taste a hit??

Well don’t worry if you can’t because there’s a back up plan.

And it’s easy.

Just cover a song thats already a hit…

Like You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate.

Sprinkle some Rumie on it.

If you wanna experience all this in the flesh then that’s easy too.

We will be performing our hits at The Landsdowne Hotel on October 12th with notorious hit makers, Crocodylus, Neighbourhood Void and the mighty spicy Pelican Boy.

Get your tickets now cos this bitch gon sell out. I can feel it.