Let’s face it, New Year’s Eve is a wank of a holiday. It’s more hyped than Christmas and far more fake than Valentines Day. At some point in the last week you’ve probably considered just sitting this one out to stay at home and watch Netflix. For those of you who are daring to venture outside, prepare for a sub-par night. And to do so, we’ve sound tracked every moment your evening will take.
As we all prepare to ring in the New Year we’re faced with the inevitable drag that is a NYE party. We’ve gone ahead and predicted how it will go, complete with a soundtrack.
The Night Begins: Nobody Really Cares If You Don’t Go To The Party – Courtney Barnett
New year’s Eve sucks dick and you know it. You don’t want to go out to the city because it’s too crowded and paying 15 bucks for a house bourbon and coke destroys your soul. But staying at home with Nan and Pop Pop to watch the 9pm family fireworks isn’t on the cards either. After keeping your options open you’ve decided at 6pm to head to that house party your mate was banging on about. It’s the closest you can get to going out without having to leave the comfort of a home.
The Party Starter: Boom! Shake the Room – Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff
You’ve been here for an hour or so, and all that cheap wine you sculled before getting here is hitting you, swirling through your cardiovascular system with the beer you’re now chugging. Wine mixed with beer? Great idea. This party needs to get a little more rowdy, you turn up the music and clear the floor in the lounge room to show off your best, poorly choreographed moves to the sweet beats of DJ Jazzy Jeff.
The Tipping Point: Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins
You’ve gotten cocky kid, but maybe a bit too cocky. A third tequila shot? The sensible adult who entered the party has been replaced by a sense of false bravado. Are you heading into danger? Yep, but who cares? You puff you chest and show everyone who you can convince to watch that you’re the top gun of the party.
The Reality: Too Drunk To Fuck – Dead Kennedys
By some miracle you’ve managed to keep your shit together AND manage to seduce a sexy stranger. As you begin to get down to business in what you hope is an empty room you realise the cold, soft reality of it all. You’re too drunk to make the sex, let alone get your pants off. Oh cruel alcohol, your best wing-man was in fact waiting to cock block you the entire time. You can’t fuck, let alone you can’t do anything without walking face first into a wall. You’re fucked friend, and not in the way you were hoping.
The Rock Bottom: Piss In My Pockets – Hunch
You’ve gone and pissed in your pockets. How? Who knows, in your intoxicated state you managed it and now it’s happened.
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The Regret: If I Could Turn Back Time – Cher
As you lie in bitter, hungover agony you think “Next year, things will be different“. With that you scroll through your Instagram feed, cursing everyone who somehow managed to avoid looking like a wreck and are having the best time at Field Day. At least you have $2.80 in shrapnel for a Bacon and Egg McMuffin.