Turns out Big Brother is on again, is anyone even watching it?

Big Brother is on again. I spoke to fifteen people in my office and no one is watching it. Ok, I lied. One person is. But I’m pretty sure it’s for ironic purposes only.

Nevertheless, it’s back. And apparently it’s got a viewership of over a million, so clearly someone is watching it. So, on behalf on every sane person in this world, I want to know who the hell you are, and for your sake, I hope you have a good excuse.

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Turns out Big Brother 2020 is a thing, except now it’s *really* dramatic and all about white rooms and red buttons. I investigate.

I loved Big Brother. When I was like seven. You know, the days of Blair McDonough, Sara Marie, and Fitzy. The classics. Then, like most already average things, it got shit.

A quick search of the internet tells me that it’s been cancelled and renewed twice (this being the second time) – so it doesn’t exactly seem like this latest concoction is the beginning of some great television success story. But I suppose that’s just the unholy mix that’s created when free to air and reality television do the dirty. Imagine their writers’ room.

Anyway, you have to give the people what they want, and clearly there is a demand. One million demands, in fact. I decided to take a look for myself, just to get a sense of what the land of BB looks like in the second decade of Y2K. And let me tell you, it has changed. Although, clearly not as much as Elon Musk.

First things first, it’s dramatic AF. Like I’m sure it was already dramatic back in 2001, but now it’s got a score that sounds like it’s been written by Danny Elfman.

Secondly, Big Brother’s voice has changed. I don’t really have much else to say about this point other than it does make me question whether there even is a “Big Brother” or whether it’s just been voiced by a bunch of different people throughout time. I’ll file that one under conspiracy theories to investigate later.

Thirdly, did I mention there is tension? They manage to create the same amount of suspense as in the entirety of the Die Hard movies put together in this single scene where a man named Kieran presses a red button. That is literally all that happens.

If you keep watching past the 1 minute and 44 seconds of excruciating suspense, for a second it seems that Kieran might actually have to forfeit the $15,000 he thought he just won by pressing said red button. Then after that heart attack passes and Kieran does win the money, he apparently leaves the Big Brother house altogether, and on his way out, he encourages Sophie (who is also in the White Room with him) to get back in the house and win the show: “Get ’em back for screwing you over!”

And now I have so many questions. Why were Sophie and Kieran in the White Room in the first place? Why is Kieran now leaving? Will Sophie win? And god almighty, WHAT DID THE OTHER HOUSEMATES DO TO SCREW SOPHIE OVER?

I must know. Curse the person that made me write this article.

Watch an excerpt for yourself below.