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How Not To Be A Dickhead At A Gig

Happy code of conduct for gigs

We love gigs. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a great band kill it on stage and getting caught up in that high. You know what we hate? Dickheads. Boy dickheads or girl dickheads. No matter where you go they manage to stick their nose into your space and fuck it up. Some people are dickheads without even realising it. So to help, here is a handy infographic identifying the 8 most common offenders you’ll find at a gig. Avoid them at all costs and if you realise you’re a lot like one of these dickheads (or maybe there’s just a little dick in you), just pull your head in.

We love gigs (and infographics), but we hate dickheads. There are 8 types of dickheads found at gigs and you might be one. So you don’t fall into the trap of being one, here is our guide to not be a dickhead at a gig.

The Pervy dickhead

1. The Pervy Dickhead

If you don’t receive permission to touch someone keep your mitts off them. Being in a tight space with bodies crammed together doesn’t mean you can let your hands wander (or anything else for that matter).

2. The Rowdy Dickhead

They’ve popped a few pingas and just wants to get ‘loose’. Does they even know who the band is? Doesn’t matter as they barge into everyone within arm’s reach to get their own version of a mosh on. 

heavy weigh champ dickhead

3. The Heavyweight Champ Dickhead

Closely related to his rowdy counterpart, the Heavyweight Champ is jacked up on testosterone and anything else he could shove into his mouth. The first rule of Fight Club, it doesn’t happen at a gig.

4. The Rain Maker Dickhead

One, you’ve wasted precious alcohol. Two, some poor punter has been soaked in VB. Like sand from the beach you visited three weeks ago, you just keep finding that stench in your clothes so just don’t do it.

the expert dickhead at gigs

5.  The Clapping Dickhead

Don’t be that person who is so enthusiastic they start clapping to the beat too early and end up throwing everyone else off. It’s just awkward. Take drum lessons, buy a metronome or keep your hands in your pockets.

6. The Giant Dickhead

This shouldn’t have to be explained. If you’re tall, you have a natural advantage over everyone (literally). Yes we hear you screaming that you can’t control genetics but you can control where you choose to stand. 

expert dickhead

7. The Know-It-All Dickhead

Oh, you spent a semester learning about sound production at JMC did you? It doesn’t warrant a loud, obnoxious convo with your mate about acoustics. It’s a pub, the bloke behind the bar doesn’t even know how to spell acoustics. Can it friend. 

8. The Runway Model Dickhead

For the safety of others and your own. We don’t care how good your balance is, when that weaponised footwear comes crashing down to the floor someone else’s toe will be under it. It’s the same reason why no one would wear golf shoes to a gig.

How not to be a dickhead at gigs