“First of all, can I say what a pleasure it will be to work with you all. Probably” – Iggy Pop’s self-written tour rider for Iggy and The Stooges is the best ever.
The whole thing was written by Iggy himself, and while every section – from the backline, stage plans, lighting and security info – is fucking hilarious, it’s the last one that’s the best: yeah…the rider.
The document – proclaimed by Iggy as a “Marvellous and Most Instructive Information Document” – is full of hilarious quips, cheeky jabs at the band and “utterly confusing comments and asides” all written by Iggy. It even includes a pitch for a reality TV show called Dead Dog Island, which we’ll just let you read for yourself…
Check out the rider below:
First of all, can I say what a pleasure it will be to work with you all. Probably.
Secondly, and rather, more importantly, I will be working for the Stooges on the day of the show. I personally do not drink alcohol, I don’t like soft drinks, I am rather too fat to be allowed near chocolate and cakes, and I get paid enough to buy my own drugs and dinner. So I would like you to donate, say, 50 U. S. Dollars to a local homeless charity in lieu of the stuff I could possibly have consumed.
It’s not much I know, but it’s better than nothing…
Oh, and I’ll need a receipt.
Dressing Room One For Iggy Pop
You know what would be really nice? If you could make this room look less like a typical rock & roll dressing room and more sort of… Interesting? Are you with me? Just let someone loose with a little bit of artistic flair… Er, do you know any homosexuals? And am I allowed to say that? Probably not.
– A kettle or water heating device of some description.
– Some fresh ginger, honey, lemons, and a sharp knife. So we can make a ginger, honey and lemon tea. God knows why.
– And some Chinese gunpowder tea. So we can attempt to blow up the dressing room. That’s a joke by the way. Good thing this isn’t an airport…
– An English language newspaper like the New York Times or the Miami Herald. Or the Guardian (my personal favourite). Or a copy of USA Today that’s got a story about morbidly obese people in it. Most amusing!
– Somebody dressed as Bob Hope doing fantastic Bob Hope impersonations and telling all those hilarious Bob Hope jokes about golf and Hollywood and Bing Crosby. Oh God, I wish I’d been alive in those days so that Bob Hope could have come and entertained me in some World War 2 hell-hole before I went off and got shot. What joy they must have experienced…
– Seven dwarves, dressed up as those dwarves out of that marvellous Walt Disney film about the woman who goes to sleep for a hundred years after biting a poisoned dwarf, or maybe after pricking her finger on a rather sharp apple… or something. What was the name of that film? Was it Cinderella? Taller people are acceptable, of course. It’s attitude, more than height, that’s important here. Don’t forget the pointy hats!
– A big bucket of ice, or a refrigerator, containing:
– 2 litres of good quality still mineral water. I think it should originate in the country we are in.
– 6 bottles of Grolsch or decent local beer.
– 10 16oz plastic cups and 4 glass wine glasses
– a corkscrew to open wine bottles
– 2 bottles of smooth, full-bodied, Bordeaux type red wine. Probably French. And something we’ve heard of, but still can’t pronounce. Look, there’s fucking loads of good red wines. Ask the man in the wine shop. Or here’s a number of suggestions:
1st choice – a Medoc, St. Emilion, Pamerol, or Pauillac, years ’86, ’89, ’90
2nd choice – a Barolo or Barbaresco ’89 or ’90
– 4 large, clean towels.
See? Not all that bad, is it?
Dressing Room Two for The Stooges
– 3 cases x 12oz bottles of still mineral water. Good quality. Doesn’t have to be French, though.
– 3 large bottles of good quality sparkling water. Again, un-French is good. Unless we are in France, in which case – What a marvellous country.
– 1 x case of big bottles of good, premium beer. You decide. But remember, I might ask you to taste a bottle, so buy something nice!! Here’s a clue – it’s probably won’t start with the letter “B” and end with “udweiser”.
– 6 cans of red bull or similar. Something with testicles in it. Or testicles lite.
– 6 bottles of alcohol-free beer The saxophonist likes to mix it with his whisky. And vodka. And other beer, probably. Is that classed as having a bit of a drinking problem, having to pretend to be drinking, even when you aren’t?
– A bottle of vodka decent stuff, please. Not made in bloody England. Some people seem to enjoy that Ketel One vodka from Holland. Our sound man, however, says it’s piss. And he could give the saxophonist a run for his money, not to mention alcohol. No accounting for taste, though, so a bottle of Ketel One, or failing that, Grey Goose. (Down in one, so to speak, haha). I don’t know – do they make alcohol free vodka? In Denmark, they have one called Spunk, which tastes like liquorice!! How we laughed. It’s not alcohol-free though. Charm free, yes…
– 1 case of coke in cans. Well, I think it’s disgusting stuff. Like McDonald’s predigested sandwiches. Do you know, if I had to choose between a McDonalds with coke, and having my tongue ripped out and placed inside my own colon, I’d probably be licking my own arse right now…
– 1 case of cans of assorted sodas. Ginger beer? Dandelion & burdock? I don’t know. Lemonade?
– 2 x 48oz bottles of ocean spray cranberry juice. (48 oz is American for ‘large”). But no blends, please. No orange and cranberry, or cranberry and turkey. Cranberry with even more cranberry is ok.
– 1 x 48 oz bottles of Tropicana orange juice.
– Some kettle chips or chips artesanale or hand-made chips or… Do you know what I mean? Real, old fashioned, proper potato chips. But from a different kettle to the one they made the vodka in.
– Cauliflower & broccoli, cut into individual florets and thrown immediately into the garbage. I fucking hate that.
Nearly finished now. I think I could do with a rest. I’ve been on me feet all day. Really! Somebody stole all the chairs out of the office. Bastards.
– Some crackers And maybe some dips. Hummus and taramasalata. Today the world, tamarasalata. Nuts. Assorted nibbly things.
– A bit of fresh bread, some corn chips, smoked fish, tinned sardines & tinned tuna.
– Lots & lots of clean ice. (Not ice that a polar bear has been standing on, with its big mucky feet. Polar bears are still bears, aren’t they? Not pigs, like the panda.)
– And then lots more for after the show. Ice, that is. Forget about the panda.
– Plastic cups, assorted sizes, suitable for hot and cold drinks. At least one sleeve of 16oz solo, and some little ones. Does anyone outside the U.S.of A. understand what this means? I don’t, and I wrote it.
– 18 large bath towels. Not face cloths. Towels. Nice and freshly laundered too.
– A copy of the New York Times. A recent copy, if possible. In fact, today’s would be nice.
I think that’s about it.
Oh yes. A Yamaha MT03 motorcycle for me would be nice. To keep. With a full tank, and a helmet. Well, you can’t blame me for trying.
See the full document here.