Lists

Just accept your award you smug bastard. 5 songs to shut up long Oscar speeches

Play off music is a god send. Every year it prevents blood clots from forming in the brain due to excessive levels of boredom induced by overly long and bland acceptance speeches. Whoever invented the idea truly deserves a worldwide day-off in their honour, or at the very least a special edition Coke bottle label.

But as with everything ever, shit can be improved. The Oscars, as everyone knows has to kowtow to the second most important behind out-of-touch progressive keyboard warriors on Twitter: the youth. And the youth find orchestral music boring! (except for that Typewriter song, that’s good). So here are five suggestions for how the academy behind the Academy Awards could play off speeches in a new and exciting fashion.

songs to cut people off

Nobody likes a long talker, especially at the Oscars. These 5 songs are the best to cut people off who are too busy jerking their ego on stage.

Typewriter

This delightful romp comes to us all the way from the ‘50s, and is from the gilded frontal lobe of Leroy Anderson, who also brought us Blue Tango, Syncopated Clock and Sleigh Ride. Although it technically is a light orchestral piece, the humourous accompaniment of a typewriter with its occasional pings makes it quite a treat. So much so, if this was actually used at the 2016 Oscars, it’d be the main talking point behind the inevitable protest about black people not getting the chance to be given awards for pretending to be other people.

Mah Na Mah Na

Old people are fucking lame with only three exceptions. The first one is videos of old people falling over and hurting themselves. The second one is the Who’s on First sketch. The third one is the song The Muppets made famous, Mah Na Mah Na (which was probably made known to you bubs by the Banana Boat songs from a few years ago). People all around will rip out of their seats and sing along and click their fingers. Oscars, boring? Never, if they get the boys on the decks to scratch this song out.

A Shannon Noll / Jason Derulo live duet

Pop music is a cruel beast. One moment you’re up, and then other times you’re a fifty year old minger dancing in a leotard in order to get attention to another one of your shit songs. Unlike Madonna there is something eternal to Shannon “Nolsy” Noll and his song What About Me, a surprise smash hit about someone stealing Nolsy’s yogurt. Jason Derulo, with his charming ability to always sing his name before the start of a song on key, acts a complimentary actor to Noelsy’s overwhelming egocentrism and habit of wearing speed dealers instead of the more trendy Ray-Bans.

Shut Up and Drive

I don’t care what anyone says about this song, but it’s fucking chill. It’s got the groove, poignant lyrics (discussing the merits of driving automobiles) and Rihanna’s an absolute babe too. It also works in this case because the lyrics are quite upfront about the talking-too- long situation.

Keyboard Cat

triple J presenter Zan Rowe was very upset when David Bowie died. And so was I when my musical hero – Keyboard Cat – died a few years ago. I did anything and everything I could think of to bring him back: I consulted Hindu and Buddhist gurus about the whole reincarnation thing; I picked up my mate’s cat and said “Biggie Smalls” three times into the mirror; and I sacrificed several neighbourhood cats in the hope of one of them coming back as Keyboard Cat.

None of these methods worked and as such I’m still waiting for the hole formed in my life by KC’s departure. So, in order to both honour Fatso and playoff music as a genre, it would be fitting that Keyboard Cat (or his non-union Mexican equivalent) take over the reigns of the pit orchestra.

Honourable Mentions

That ” target=”_blank”>Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye song, Literally, I Can’t (chorus: “Shut the Fuck Up!”) by Play N Skillz & Lil’ Jon & Red Foo, Talk Shit Get Shot by Body Count, Long Slow Goodbye by Queens of the Stone Age, Waiting… (first line: “A coma might feel better than this”) by City & Colour, Bodies by Drowning Pool