The Salty Tenders have done it: The furious ranking of the ‘Fast and the Furious’ franchise

The Salty Tenders have carved out a list like no other, ranking the eight Fast and Furious films from fast to fastest.

Since the release of their debut EP titled Entrée, the incomparable The Salty Tenders took a moment to do just that.

Comparing the films of the Fast and the Furious franchise with dicey delivery, in their own words, enjoy the list below:

In the world of cinema, there are hundreds of thousands of motion pictures. There are great films, bad films, and plenty few and far between. Some are considered classics, others hold cult significance within certain audiences, and some even provoke governments to take action against their existence.

Then there are masterpieces.

Some are faster, more furious, and ultimately meatier than the rest. In this think piece, we will be doing the impossible task of deciding where they land on the finish line. This is… The Furious ranking of the Fast (and the Furious franchise).

So in order of fast, to fastest let’s begin:

8. The Fate of the Furious

The latest in this series doesn’t live up to the legacy of its previous entries. Perhaps it’s the lack of Paul Walker’s (R.I.P) unique brand of milquetoast acting, or the terrible decision to give Vin Diesel any kind of responsibility in the spoken dialogue department that contributes to this feeling like a tacky cash in. Full of action, espionage and fastness, yet a gaping hole where the heart should be. Not even Kurt Russel could save this one. This isn’t my familia.

7. 2 Fast 2 Furious

While still rising above the ranks of most Hollywood flicks, I take no pleasure in saying that 2 Fast, was not fast enough to beat the rest. While it contains some tremendous highs, such as an origin story to Ludacris and his powerful fro, I can’t help but deduct points for a severe lack of meat. Without Mr. Diesel even making an appearance, not only does it feel like it’s all skin and bone, but also lacks the sense of familia that helps elevate these films to something truly great.

6. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

“Do you know what D.K means?”

“Donkey Kong?”

Unfortunately with no “I’m a cop, I’m not a cop” shenanigans or hulking slabs of human sirloin filling the screen, it only feels like fast and furious in name only. We are treated to a tease of Vin-Deez in the closing hours which puts this just above 2Fast.

5. Fast and Furious

You’ve got to appreciate the attention to detail when it comes to this franchise. The genius behind removing the unnecessary weight from the title is unprecedented. Just remove one ‘the’ here, an ‘and’ there while also getting rid of another ‘the’ and you’ve got one fast title. I mean it’s just so lean, it even reads faster.

While having a fairly forgettable plot, it’s easier to forgive with his majesty Sir. Diesel making his first appearance in this list, because you’re at least assured to see one crook be delivered a fresh ham slamwich.

4. The Fast and the Furious

Where it all began. It’s hard to think that this ragtag crew of gear-heads got their start by stealing crates of Panasonic DVD players from moving trucks. We have the pleasure of following Paul ‘I’m not a cop’ Walker as he gains the trust of Diesel and his crew as they form an unbreakable bond of the familia. An enjoyable romp that is only heightened by looking at where the series is now, don’t forget your roots.

3. Fast and Furious 6

We’ve now reached the point where this series is in full hyper-drive mode. The familia are all together and we’ve got a double-sized serving of steaks with both His Lordship Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson working together. High budget action and lots of fastness makes this one a doozy to drive through. It doesn’t quite stand up to the next films on this list due to a lacklustre plot involving ‘I have amnesia’ Letty.

2. Fast and Furious 7

Following the trend of the last two movies, Fast 7 is a steroid filled thrill ride. The height of Torretto and Brian’s bond can be seen when the two take a wild ride jumping through three separate skyscrapers in Dubai. In a sports car. If that’s not what real friends do then I don’t want real friends. With the introduction of an evil, leaner, more British steak that is Jason Statham there’s plenty of opportunities for these characters to do some tenderising as they smash each other through walls. All climaxing in one of the most emotional scenes since the Titanic. Rest In Peace Paul Walker.

1. Fast Five

Now we’ve come to the cream of the crop. An action/heist movie that’s a no holds barred adventure through Brazil, with a story about loyalty and family at the core of it all. We see a Ludacris 2.0 who’s now a world-class hacker, the ever-snacking Han and the solid wall of beef mince that is The Rock all make their return or debut. Whether it’s trying to drift so fast around a corner that a security camera couldn’t see them, or watching Vin and The Rock brawling with a visceral intensity that could only be described as slapping two raw steaks enthusiastically together, you’re in for a good time with this one. The gangs all here and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.

Please enjoy the full EP from The Salty Tenders on Spotify below: