The term masterpiece gets thrown around a lot these days. Especially in the music industry. But the Christmas spirit has purified my soul and invaded every inch my being to bring to you 10 undeniable Christmas masterpieces.
If you’re unsure what to buy a loved one this Holiday Season, look no further than the 10 worst (masterful) Christmas albums of all time.
Deck the halls my with boughs of holly my friends! These are the 8 worst Christmas albums of all time that your mum probably loves.
8. Sia – Everyday Is Christmas
What on earth is going on here? Sia is meant to be cool but Christmas albums are certifiably uncool. While the production is slick as hell, the songs feel underwritten and ultimately lacklustre.
Produced by Greg Kurstin – the same guy behind Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped In Red – has made things a little too shiny here and it feels overly polished. Bring back Phil Spector! The pop mastermind should stick to what she knows best.
7. Jessica Simpson – Happy Christmas
Jessica Simpson simply tries too hard here. Every song is an attempt to show off the entirety of her range, even if she doesn’t necessarily have too.
After her major label country makeover didn’t stick there was only one option for Jessica. Sign to Ellen Degeneres’ fledgling label, Eleven Eleven, and cut her second Christmas album. It doesn’t quite stick and but there is less pizzazz than her first Christmas outing, and that’s saying something.
6. Cee Lo Green – Cee Lo’s Magic Moment
If you’ve ever wanted to see Cee Lo Green driving a Rolls Royce sleigh then your dreams have come true. He even did a song with the muppets. Please don’t watch it, I guarantee it will ruin your day.
5. David Hasselhoff – The Night Before Christmas
The Hoff has done some atrocious things in his time, though none are more heinous than The Night Before Christmas. However, in David’s defence he’s not necessarily trying to make the greatest Christmas album here.
David Hasselhoff doesn’t take himself too seriously. It’s predictably cheesy and one song is sung entirely in German but hey, it’s better than Cee Lo Green.
4. Mariah Carey – Merry Christmas
One of the only modern Christmas songs to become a holiday standard, Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You was apparently written in just 15 minutes.
Since 1994, that one tune has pulled in $78 million dollars for Mariah and her label. No matter where you go this Christmas you won’t escape Mariah Carey.
3. Justin Bieber – Under The Mistletoe
Justin Bieber brings along a selection of big wig guests to help him through these 11 standards and originals. And boy does he need it. He surprisingly holds his own against Mariah Carey’s gusto but is no match for Usher or Busta Rhymes. He’s just too white.
The acoustic Silent Night will no doubt be a favourite amongst Beliebers but you will likely feel like taking a long hot shower after listening to this one.
2. Christmas with the Chipmunks – Alvin and the Chipmunks
The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) is frequently cited as the most fervently despised Christmas song of all time.
If for some messed up reason you want a headache and you want it fast then this is the perfect thing for you.
1. Shatner Claus – The Christmas Album
Veteran actor William Shatner has boldly gone where no Christmas has ever gone before. The magnificently titled Shatner Claus, is a downright masterpiece.
While there are some magnificent records on this list, none can match the sheer vision and scope of William Shatner. It even features a guest appearance from ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons.