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What would you do if you found your fiancé’s porno? High-tails have all the answers you need

High-tails play cupid

As they traverse the country on the back of their latest single My Heart, Nick and Toby from High-tails put their hearts on their sleeves as they tackle some big romance issues and give wise advice to five lonely people.

High-tails My Heart

HAPPY: Since this is the My Heart tour we’ve decided to keep things romantic. We did something similar with Donny Benet, so we had to try it again with you guys. We have five very desperate pleas for romantic advice, they really need your help. Are you ready?

NICK: Yep!

TOBY: Let’s do this.

HAPPY: ‘Wedding Guest’ writes “Adam, a good friend of mine, who also happens to be an ex-boyfriend, has invited me to his upcoming wedding, but I have no desire whatsoever to go. Adam and I dated about five years ago and broke up because I was 19 and not ready for the type of relationship that he was looking for. We stayed close friends. When his GF dumped him we got close again, but then they got together and eloped. Am I being awful if I say that I just don’t want to go? Or should I suck it up and go for his sake?” Gentlemen?

TOBY: Before we answer the question I want to say I find the word elope a funny word because it sounds like antelope. I would just say suck it up and go. There’s no use making a scene, they’d ask why you didn’t go. You’ve had feelings for them…

NICK: It’s been leading up to this big thing, you need to I reckon. As long as you go and make use of the free booze and the free food, maybe you’ll meet someone special at the wedding?

TOBY: The groomsmen?

NICK: Yeah. Personally I would never turn down a wedding.

HAPPY: But what about the potential drama?

NICK: The drama is part of the fun though (laughs), and that’s what it’s all about. Go for it.

HAPPY: Follow her heart? Okay! Our next query comes from ‘Baby Mama’, who says “I’m four months pregnant and split with my boyfriend of one year a week ago. He has a son with someone who he was “banging” before me, though they never had a relationship. I got used to him having a kid and things were okay. When he got used to the idea that we were having a baby he was happy because he said it was with “someone he loved a lot.”  She had their first kid to trap him but he doesn’t want to be with her at all. I need help.”

TOBY: Fuck.

NICK: The debacle is whether to stay or go, not to keep the kid?

HAPPY: Nope, the kid is coming regardless.

TOBY: First of all this guy is obviously a bit reckless.

NICK: Especially when he’s out there “banging” (laughs). Let’s say they stick it out…

TOBY: Yeah they stick it out?

NICK: They’ll have two kids, already you have an uncertain family dynamic happening.

TOBY: I feel like these things never end well.

NICK: But on the other hand she’s out on her own with a kid.

TOBY: Maybe for the kid’s sake, stick it out.

NICK: For the kid’s sake?

TOBY: Then again it’s not really her choice, what if he chooses just to go?

NICK: But they love each other, do they?

TOBY: Surely, they’ve entered the bedroom together.

NICK: Therefore they must love each other.

HAPPY: That’s right, sex only happens when two or more people love each other.

NICK: When you love someone and there’s a baby there has to be some kind of connection there.

TOBY: Yep, yep! (laughs). Stick it out!

NICK: I’m just looking at the options. Single mother, or potentially have a lot of support. Maybe get some weekends off, you don’t have to spend all your time with said kid or husband.

HAPPY: Bear in mind there’s another woman in the mix with a kid who is clearly crazy.

NICK: She sounds like the weak link in this. The ex-girlfriend, the ex-bang buddy, and she trapped him with a kid. There are a number of ways to get her out of the picture.

TOBY: Yeah, there are people who can take care of that for you.

NICK: Exactly, so what I’m saying is that you put out a hit on her. Just put a hit on her. Just go to the deep web. If you has enough bit coins I’m sure it’s doable.

TOBY: And then he can pay for a male prostitute to look after her. It’ll be costly but worth it.

High-tails play cupid

HAPPY: Alright, so far that’s two out of two to follow the heart. Out third desperate soul is ‘Older Lover’ who writes “I am 50 years old. My family does not like my new boyfriend who’s 25. They think he is goofy and refuse to have him around. What should I do?

TOBY: Fuck it, get rid of em.

NICK: Who, the boyfriend?

TOBY: No the family.

NICK: You want to get rid of the family?

TOBY: No, not ‘get rid’ of the family, you can’t just kill everyone Nick.

NICK: True, the paper trail will you get you in the end.

TOBY: Nah, no one uses paper anymore mate. You know, just because there is a very big age gap doesn’t mean they can’t be together.

NICK: True love does not discriminate. This is an easy one.

HAPPY: But it’s not the age gap though, it’s that the family thinks he’s too goofy.

TOBY: He’s 25, he has to have some redeeming qualities.

NICK: Okay, okay. So I think there needs to be a quick IQ test.

TOBY: Classic, great idea.

NICK: See how mature he actually is.

TOBY: Does he ride a skateboard in a goofy manner?

NICK: Does he ride a skateboard at all? If he does, pffft. Get rid of him.

HAPPY: What if he rides a Razor scooter?

BOTH: Razor scooter? Definitely not.

NICK: Do the IQ test, and if he passes just tell you parents that’s how it is.

TOBY: But you can’t fail an IQ test (laughs).

NICK: There has to be some sort of standard.

TOBY: I know you don’t have the answer but I’d like to know more about the parents.

HAPPY: We have no extra info on the parents. But she’s 50, so the parents are 70ish for sure.

NICK: Oh, they’re not long for this world anyway! It seems like this is someone…

TOBY: Like she’s someone who needs acceptance.

NICK: Yeah she needs that young life force. Fresh meat.

TOBY: Bit of veal.

NICK: While you’re doing that, if your parents are only going to be around for another 10, 20 years you know, I think it’s a silly kind of confrontation.

HAPPY: So what are we thinking gentleman, follow your heart?

BOTH: Follow your heart.

HAPPY: I like it guys, you’re a pair of cupids. Our fourth letter comes from ‘Model Parents’; “My husband and I are wondering if we should lock our bedroom door when we’re making love. If we don’t, what should we do if our child accidentally walks in on us?

TOBY: I think that’s happened to me twice.

NICK: You mean as a kid?

TOBY: Yeah as a kid.

NICK: Not you having kids and them walking in on you?

TOBY: No none of that (laughs).

HAPPY: It sounds like you guys are speaking from experience then.

TOBY: I’d say lock the damn door, 100% of the time. Because you can hear it anyway.

NICK: Yeah, lock the fucking door! And while you’re at it close the blinds (laughs). Because your son might be coming home from school, and you might not be sure what time it is.

TOBY: (can’t stop laughing).

NICK: Let’s be sensible about this and close the blinds. They should know this stuff. There are neighbours too.

TOBY: Lock the door, close the blinds, throw away the key.

HAPPY: Soundproof the room.

NICK: Yeah soundproof the room. Put some music on or something. Do they just think “Well, it doesn’t happen often so we’re not gonna waste time doing all this finicky stuff. Locking doors and closing blinds, I’m ready to go now, I might not be ready to go in the next thirty seconds! By the time we’ve done all that I might have lost it.

High-tails play cupid

HAPPY: So lock the door, have more children.

NICK: (laughs). Lock the door, follow your heart.

HAPPY: Nice! You guys are doing a great job helping all these people, but we have one more and it’s a doozy. ‘Nervous Groom’, writes “I’m about to get married. Recently, a friend of mine came across a video featuring my fiancé. The video is pornographic. I broached the subject with her and she confirms she made the video 10 years ago when she was 21 and before we even met. She explained that it was in fact an amateur porn production and she was paid a generous sum of money to make the video. She also explained that it was a one-time thing and that she was deeply embarrassed after it was made and felt ashamed. I don’t want to call off the wedding but I’m not exactly as excited for the wedding as I was before the discovery of my fiancée’s porno vid. What do I do?

TOBY: Stop being a little bitch. I would say that’s a good thing.

NICK: I would be tremendously turned on if that was my fiancé.

TOBY:  Yeah exactly. Let’s do it again, make some more money.

NICK: Did he watch it?

HAPPY: He saw it…

TOBY: And did he enjoy it?

HAPPY: I think we can read behind the lines on this one.

NICK: He wasn’t happy with what was happening. It was a budget production, maybe he wasn’t happy with the quality of the film, not that she actually did it.

TOBY:There are a few things you could’ve done better…” Not everything has to be POV after all. Get some nice lighting. I just say deal with it.

NICK: Just deal with it.

TOBY: It’s unrealistic to think that she’s never had sex before she met you.

NICK: Sure, it was on the internet and people would have seen it. At the very least take solace in the fact that it was all those years ago and now maybe she’s improved a lot.

TOBY: You mean in a sexual aspect?

NICK: Well it’s not like he’s going to go back and give her pointers. It was a video that was made in the past.

HAPPY: Follow up question on this guy’s behalf, should he make a new sex tape with her?

TOBY: (immediately) YES. Most definitely. That would have been my first question.

HAPPY: And then post it online?

TOBY: Nah, they can just keep it. Just for the personal use.

NICK: Keep it for the anniversary, you can crack out the home video. Or maybe you’ve got a mate who’s interested…

TOBY: Yeah just show off to your mates what you did…

NICK: Maybe they’d be willing to part with a bit of cash (laughs).

HAPPY: So this case is don’t follow your heart, stick with her instead.

NICK: Don’t follow your heart because it isn’t reliable. It’s in the wrong place. This kind of thing is just spurred on by pent up jealousy.

TOBY: It’s a dangerous thing that jealousy. Let it go, move on.

NICK: Love has no place with envy.

TOBY: Those are some wise words.

NICK: I just thought if them just then (laughs).

HAPPY: Nice one dudes! Now we have one final bonus question. We always talk about what makes us jolly at Happy, so what makes you happy?

NICK: My counselor told me not to think about this (everyone else bursts out in laughter). Ahh, you’ve just opened up a world of pain. I’m sorry.

TOBY: Lot’s of stuff. Food, I like to eat a lot.

NICK: What kind of food?

TOBY: Lately a lot of pasta. The sun makes me happy.

NICK: The sun hitting the back of your legs? That’s known to make you happy, it’s a chemical thing. I think this is the question we’re all trying to answer. If I’d answer that now it might not be true later.

TOBY: I could be lying to my soon to be 24 year old self.

NICK: Exactly, we just need to be living in the moment.

TOBY: Exactly, live in the moment!

NICK: That’s what makes us happy! You know what makes us happy? This, right here. Now, right now, talking to you guys helping people at Newtown Social.

You can catch High-tails as they continue their My Heart tour over the next few weeks!

Friday March 4 – Sol Bar, Maroochydore
Saturday March 5 – Black Bear Lodge, Brisbane
Thursday March 10 – Workers Club, Melbourne
Friday March 11 – Cats, Adelaide
Saturday March 12 – Moonshine Bar at Hotel Steyne, Manly. Free entry

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February 29, 2016

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