News

I got stoned and watched ‘The Bachelor’ and here’s what I learnt

I mixed the gift of the gods with the gift of free-to-air TV and got an unholy combination. Welcome to watching The Bachelor whilst smoking weed.

Another year, another Bachelor. It feels like it’s only just begun when all of a sudden, it’s over (except for this season, which dragged on like a mf). This year’s Bachie was Locky Gilbert, part-man, part-teddy, who really likes adventure. He whittled his choices down to two final maidens in the modern-day medieval courting ritual we like to call The Bachelor: Bella Valeris and Irena Srbinovska.

Whilst it might now all be over, I can’t help but be reminded of some of Bachie‘s less appealing qualities every time I watch it (particularly when under the influence of the devil’s lettuce). So, on the eve* of The Bachelorette, here are some highlights gleaned from combining two of the finer things in life: weed and trashy tv. Welcome to The Bachelor, through the eyes of Seth Rogan ~circa lockdown.

* technically not the eve

the bachelor australia weed

Now before you jump up and down and say you already knew everything I’m about to say: I’m not claiming to have all the answers. But if you could give The Bachelor any kind of compliment, it’s that it somehow manages to make the exceedingly obvious somewhat inconspicuous, and it is with this singularly well-crafted skill that you, me, and 872,000 others are here today.

1. They only ever talk about what’s happening

Do you notice how everything they say is basically a narration of what’s happening right at that instant? Watching an episode of The Bachelor is like sitting down for an hour and having someone tell you that you’re sitting down for an hour. So much embracing of the present moment, Channel 10 could give the Dalai Lama a run for his money.

Standard Bachie conversation: “I’m so looking forward to this date, it’s going to be the best date ever!” Followed by: “Wow, this is so beautiful! Isn’t this the best date ever?” Concluding with: “I’ve had the best time with you, this seriously was the best date ever!” 

Clearly, the date was really quite nice, amazing, and beautiful, but seriously: WHERE WAS THE GODDAMN DATE? All I’m seeing is ducks.

the bachelor
I’m in a glass case of emotion!

2. None of them are actual people

For some reason, this show refuses to reveal anyone’s true personality. (Is it a privacy thing? lol, surely not!) Instead, they are reduced to awkward stereotypes. Boooooring.

Locky is the adventure guy! (If you need proof, it says it on his Instagram). And somewhere, halfway through the season, Irena became adventure-girl! (Because, obviously, adventure guy = destined to end up with adventure girl). Bella has big brown eyes. I have literally watched 760 minutes of this thing and I don’t know anything about these people.


But more to the point:

3. IT’S SO SCRIPTED

Ok, something about watching this stoned made me realise just how much it looks like they’re all about to burst out laughing in this scene where Osher interrupts Locky and Irena’s date to tell them that Victoria’s border has suddenly closed due to COVID-19 and Irena’s parents won’t be able to come and visit.

“This has really, only just happened,” Osher assures her. Like literally, really, only since you’ve been on this walk.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Irena’s Hometown visit is going to look a little different 💔 #TheBachelorAU

A post shared by TheBachelorAU (@thebachelorau) on

the bachelor
This has really only just happened.

At this point, I can’t help but think back fondly on a certain romantic paddleboard moment which occurred during Bachelor In Paradise.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

They say romance is in the eye of the beholder… but yeah this is pretty cute. 🌧😘 #BachelorInParadiseAU

A post shared by Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@bachelorinparadiseau) on

This moment was obviously ~so romantic~ it needed to be shot in multiple takes. Hence, this scene became the birthplace of the less-evident (but in no way less-fulfilling) subplot of Ciarran’s changing hair.

the bachelor
Exhibit A: Ciarran and Jess on paddleboard with Ciarran’s hair up
the bachelor
Exhibit B: Ciarran and Jess on paddleboard with Ciarran’s hair down
Exhibit C: Ciarran and Jess on paddleboard with Ciarran’s hair up again

There is no sense in this.

4. Literally nothing happens

See point 1.

5. I’m probably going to stop watching it (but I won’t judge you if you do)

Until Channel 10/Warner Bros pull their socks up and make some half-decent tv, I’ll be taking me and my doobie stash elsewhere.

But just in case you would like to also like to partake in a bit of Bachie and Bake (as I shall now forever dub it), The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 7.30 pm on Channel 10.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.