Horny Egyptians, legal penis sizes, and fart fetishes: these are the NSFW historical facts that you won’t find in textbooks.
There are commonly told events throughout history that fascinate and amaze scholars, even to this day. The construction of the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trojan Horse, and Alexander the Great’s empire all spring to mind. However, there are some NSFW facts that have been conveniently scratched from the history books.
Let’s be honest, these are the things that we actually want to know. Thanks to this Reddit thread, a number of raunchy, NSFW facts about our ancestors have been unearthed from the depths of time. Here are some of our favourites.
Ancient Egypt
The Ancient Egyptians, known for their affinity with massive pointed structures, were allowed to unload some stress once a year. Their annual fertility festival involved the Pharaoh stripping down and jerking their junk off into the Nile river before other men were encouraged to join in. A circle jerk of epic proportions.
Furthermore, the Egyptians were obviously more raunchy than the history textbooks tell you, with some paintings depicting the Pharaoh’s *clears throat* Great Pyramid inseminating the land’s common area. Documentaries sure avoid showing those ones.
Still, on the Egyptian theme, soldiers would present the penises of their slaughtered enemies as proof that their opponents were truly dead. Ancient Egyptians really were obsessed with dicks.
In Ancient Egypt, Cleopatra owned one of the world’s 1st vibrators. It was a small container filled with buzzing bees.
— Did You Know? (@Know) March 18, 2013
The Roman Empire
Over in Europe, the Roman precursor to Valentine’s Day, Lupercalia, often saw naked men running around attempting to hit as many women as possible with pieces of goat-skin. It was said if a woman was hit, she was more likely to fall pregnant. How romantic.
Learning julius ceasar had sex with countless amounts of women to further his political career makes him more of a legend than he already is
— Danny Izatt (@Danny5788Danny) August 19, 2014
Ye olde NSFW Iceland
On the not-so-romantic side, in Iceland, women could file for divorce if they were disappointed by the size of their husband’s member. It was law that a man had to be at least three inches (while hard) in order to marry.
Rumor has it Pope Alexander VI and 6 cardinals ran a train on Mona Lisa in 1504
— NickdaBrick (@NickDaBricketh) October 31, 2020
Reinassance Italy
In 1488, an Italian noblewoman locked herself in a castle to escape from oncoming foes. When her children’s lives were threatened by said enemies, she climbed on ramparts and lifted up her skirts, exposing her nether regions to the world. She shouted, “Fools! Don’t you see that I can make myself more children?” Good for her.
fashion history fun fact: in renaissance Italy the rich men wore leggings w/ comically oversized fake padded dicks because around 1500 they somehow all got syphilis and didn’t want ppl to know … very subtle guys pic.twitter.com/t5NyzptQoO
— elly (@eleeeannoor) April 15, 2018
The United States of America
Now, moving over to the United States. One of the nation’s founding fathers, a cornerstone of the country’s history, Benjamin Franklin, apparently had a fart fetish. Letters to a woman, in which he applauded her flatulence, seem to prove that one.
67% sure that Benjamin Franklin had a fart fetish
— Resurrectum (@ButtJesus3) March 17, 2019
And finally, the dildo was invented 1,500 years before the wheel. Are we surprised?
You think a woman or a man invented the dildo?
— TEN (@DungeonGawd) October 29, 2020
To find out more NSFW facts, check out our ranking of the worst Pornhub parody titles.
