Lord help us all, “monkey tail beards” are now a thing

Brace yourselves, something terrifying is coming. If pencil mo’s and Abraham chin straps weren’t horrible enough, things just got a whole lot worse: meet the monkey tail beard.

Yes, you read correctly. First, imagine a monkey tail, next imagine it wrapped around a young man’s face, starting under the nose, curling down one cheek, and reaching all the way round to the opposite ear.

Does the sound of that terrify you? If it doesn’t, well it should. Picture for confirmation.

monkey tail beards

Now, how does one go about crafting a fine beard such as this? At Happy, we thought we’d do the world a service and share our hottest take. You’re welcome in advance.

To begin, it seems you must first grow a beard, the thicker the better. Then, with a freshly sharpened razor begin shaving at one cheek, carefully following a straight line all the way down to the chin. Next, shave a patch under your bottom lip with a curved edge to form the first curve of the tail. Last, shave alongside the bottom of the chin strip all the way to the ear, leaving a nice long line of bushy hair.

Go back and refine any edges if you need, as the smoother the curves, the more effective it will be.

The beard, however, isn’t home to 2021. Actually, it first made face in September 2019, with MLB baseball player Mike Fiers boasting the highly unusual do on the field.

When Mike was questioned about it at the time he said: “They dared me to do it. They didn’t think I’d go out there and pitch with it. I didn’t care.”

While Mike honoured the sanctity of Truth or Dare, we aren’t sure how we feel about the rest of the internet world following suit.

Exactly who, after Mike, sparked this latest horrifying trend is unclear, with the internet abyss providing no answers.

It does, however, provide tweets and a lot of them.

God Almighty, Jesus, help us all. As funny as this all is, in reality, it’s actually haunting. Really get-under-your-skin-haunting.

2021 is officially cancelled.