We played ‘Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon’ so you don’t have to

A short-lived video game from 2002, Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon, still haunts my nightmares.

If you’re looking to inflict as much damage on yourself as possible in the closing hours before Biden’s inauguration, then take a trip down memory lane to 2002’s Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon – an absolute belter of a terrible time.

Now, we’d never recommend that anyone illegally pirates anything. But we’ll also say that you should never buy this game, if only for the crimes it commits against typography.

Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon
Image: Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon

The game looks gross (see above), and plays worse. It’s a confusing mess of menus while trying to be a knock off of Sim City. You play as Ruthless Rick, CEO of Greed Inc. (I know) and you have to climb the corporate ladder with nothing more than a measly start-up fund of four million dollars and the unlimited use of hefty bank loans.

It actually perfectly captures Trump’s own experience, which I guess checks out. Start rich, get richer, don’t pay tax.

Probably the only part that this game nails is placing Trump as the villain. You must overcome him through the gross accumulation of wealth with the ultimate goal of driving him into bankruptcy (apparently not that difficult). Even in a game with his name on it, it was never believable that Trump would be a friendly character.

Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon
Image: Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon

Now, if you’re not content to take our word that this is a dumpster fire, feel free to be entertained by some of the weirdest reviews I’ve encountered. People love doing Trump impressions, even in text.

Alongside some solid looks at what is a shameless cash grab, there’s even been a decent amount of work into trying to give the game a face-value review, the optimism of which is something truly fresh and appreciable.

Donald Trump’s crimes against humanity are hopefully done in the real world. But, in games like this, they get to live on forever.