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Which anti-mask advocate are you? The definitive guide on COVID deniers

MP

by Manning Patston

Photo - Tom Brenner/Reuters

Photo - Tom Brenner/Reuters

MP

by Manning Patston

2020 has been thoroughly cooked. It’s been the year of coronavirus, bushfires, the anti-mask movement, and the name that changed it all: Karen. While the anti-masker character has quickly become a symbol for a lot of the micro-aggressions that burden society, the Karen trend has brought us some of our best memes and kept us laughing through this strange year. It could even be argued that the challenges of this year have brought out the true colours in us all, allowing the real Karens among us to shine.

There’s no denying that coronavirus brought with it a community of deniers, public health-rebels, and a random connection to the 5G conspiracy theory. As such, a few key characters have arisen from this time, each boasting their own unique reason for why they choose to not comply with public health warnings. In honour of Victoria’s recent move to make face masks mandatory and the subsequent anti-mask movement, we have compiled a definitive list of these personalities as a way to prepare you for the frightening world that is 2020.

Photo: Global News Hour

Whether you want to speak to the manager or explain why 5G caused the coronavirus, we reckon we can work out which anti-mask advocate you would be.

Karen

Be honest, did you threaten the 14-year-old working at McDonald’s this morning? Perhaps you couldn’t help but crack open the white wine when you got home. I mean, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere right? Moving onto your priorities, are school drop-offs and Jesus the two most important things in your life? I thought so. Finally, have you kept your haircut the same since 2006? Yup, you’re a Karen through and through.

People can spot you from a mile away (as they should) because never forget, you are the most important person on this planet. You’re so important that teens are even trying to replicate your anti-mask antics on Instagram. Wearing a mask to protect others? Forget about it. This world is about you and the false oppressions you put yourself under. Here’s a few videos of you in action to jog your memory:

Damo

Are you reading this from your phone at Central Station? Perhaps you’re in Campbelltown instead, off to visit your old mate Shazza? Regardless, where the fuck did you leave your lighter this time? If you can’t make it through the day without a trip to the bottle-o or the newsagency for a fresh deck of Winnie Blues, then I’m afraid you’re a Damo. The last thing on your mind right now is wearing a mask. Besides, you can’t smoke through them so what’s the point?

Becky

There aren’t many Starbucks in Australia, but I’m sure you can easily track down your next Pumpkin Spice-frappe-whatever. Did you forget to change out of your Uggs? Oh, sorry, didn’t realise you wore those fuzzy tragedies unironically. Don’t know whether you prefer yoga or the gym? Uh oh, you’re definitely a Becky. When you’re not managing the family TikTok account, you’re ‘informing’ your friends about the dangers of masks and converting them all to your anti-mask ways. After all, they’re not organic so they probably shouldn’t be in your life.

 

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We all have three basic responses to fear. Fight, flight, or freeze. When it comes to C 19, because of the media and the way certain leaders are trying to manipulate the public, a lot of people are scared out of their minds. Literally, they are unable to use rational thought because of the flood of stress hormone cortisol coursing through their veins like a drug. None of us can FLEE any virus. It is present in every state and country and our bodies have them the time, in fact viruses are critical allies to our immune system. Some of us can FREEZE, meaning hide in our homes and binge watch Netflix to help us forget about reality. But many people are living in a constant state of FIGHT. You can feel it on Facebook and in the grocery store. People are angry, and I want you to understand that they are angry because they are afraid. Fear has gotten the best of them, and they are in a highly reactive state. If this is you, I am not judging you at all, rather I am gently pointing out that we do not function at our best when fear is running thru our bodies, mind, and spirit – trust me, been there done that a lot over the last few months. Try your hardest to rein in fear; take a break from the news for a few days, dive into your faith practices, slather yourself in oils, come back to consistency in your supplements and good food, do some yoga, pick up a book, or whatever it takes to come down off that fear and anger trip. For the rest of us, this is a reminder that the scared parts of humanity also tend to be the loudest in favor of rule-following, mask-shaming, compliance, and submission. They are coping with their fears by using anger to try to control what feels so out of control. Rational thought and calm assessment of the situation we are in is becoming less and less common. Let’s be those who are calm but firm, well-read and speaking up, compassionate and unafraid. Deal?

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Kyle

Much like Becky, you need a very specific type of drink to maintain your God-like skill set. However, coffee is for wimps. Only Monster is capable of fuelling your impulsive behaviour and video-game prowess. As the age-old saying goes: “Kyle’s gonna Kyle.” Sadly, if you’re indeed a Kyle, your judgement is severely lacking. That means masks are totally off-limits, especially if your parents politely ask you to wear one. Besides, if things get a little rough, there’s always some dry-wall to punch through.

Chad

Oh hello there…. king. How many girls did you pick up at your last party? If the answer isn’t in the triple digits, then you can’t be a true Chad. To be Chad, you must always be the alpha male. Your misinformed opinions and general lack of even basic intelligence only make you more powerful. Masks aren’t for you because hey, if the frat-boys aren’t wearing them then why should you? Plus, how are you meant to play footy with one of those things on? Stick to the protein powder boss man, that’s all you need.

Ken

Finally, if you didn’t fit the criteria for any of the above anti-mask advocates, you must be Ken. See, you’re not a drug addict or unintelligent. You married Karen, so that naturally makes you more important than anyone else… besides Karen, of course. Any pesky protesters walk by your property today? Don’t let your guard down Ken, stand by Karen’s side and pull your gun out. Also, I’m sorry to hear that the country club cancelled your membership, at least now you’ll have time to accompany Karen to the 5G protest.

Up next: Parents have cancelled the name Karen (our favourite anti-mask advocate).

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