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The hilarious NSFW complaints New Yorkers have made about noisy sex

It’s the city that never sleeps. Probably because everyone’s up all night having loud af sex, and plenty of New Yorkers are complaining about it.

Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, and the Easter Bunny walk into an orgy. This isn’t a joke, it’s just a normal day in New York City.

56 noise complaints were made to police in Queens about a group of people dressed as horror film and Christian holiday characters having sex until at least six o’clock in the morning.

Credit: 20th Century Animation/The Simpsons

“They’re still here causing a sex mayhem,” one of the unhappy residents told authorities. “Thought it was too cold outside for an orgy party. Doesn’t stop this guy.”

But it wasn’t just Easter/horror crossover sex that New Yorker’s found offensive, it was also the fact that wrestler Velveteen Dream’s theme song was blaring in the background while they go it on.

Now, we’re not here to kink shame. There’s nothing wrong with having a satanic shag to the sound of wannabe-psychedelic funk. But if 56 people are complaining, it was possibly a couple of decibels too loud.

Turns out, noisy sex isn’t uncommon in New York City. Or maybe they’re just more likely to whine about it, because in the past year there have been 277 complaints about raucous rootin’ in NYC alone – and the complaints are a goldmine.

At 2:45am, on a night in April last year, one resident complained to authorities, telling them, “To get a sense of how disruptive they are, I’ve slept through earthquakes and fires in my life … I couldn’t sleep through this.”

“[She] makes the bed squeak as if it’s an Olympics event,” another New Yorker said.

Or a more graphic recounting of events, “Some guy is singing ‘jingle balls’ at the top of his voice … Another person is screaming [‘Y]es daddy come down my chimney.’”

Sounds like the people of New York are out here doing God’s work.