A new patent application has revealed that Sony seems to think you’ll want to use a banana controller for the PS5, as if that’s a desirable option.
Sony wants you to use a banana as your PS5 controller. No, this is not satire.
A new patent application by Sony details technology that could transform basic household objects into game controllers, giving users the ability to “use an inexpensive, simple, and non-electronic device as a video game peripheral” rather than a complicated, high-tech controller. But it’s the banana that they really seem to be focusing on to illustrate this innovative form of gameplay.
The pending patent outlines a method that enables a “non-luminous passive object being held by a user” to be utilised as a controller, with virtual button locations being recognised on the object. Sony provided the example of players grasping objects (such as, just perhaps… bananas) and moving them around like analogue sticks.
Images were even included in the patent to demonstrate the potential technology, with one showing X and triangle buttons projected onto a banana. Another diagram illustrates the ‘two-object controller’ method, where you could hold not one, but two bananas that work in conjunction with each other (picture wielding two fruity swords in a VR battle).
Sony is no stranger to filing patents that may eventuate into real products – like the PSVR patent before the PS5 PSVR was announced – and they’re definitely working towards offering more virtual and augmented reality products. However, it’s important to note that this technology may not emerge for a long time, if at all.
Microsoft: Our next gen Xbox has 12TFLOPS of peak shader GPU throughput.
Sony: LOL PS5 banana controller https://t.co/1GmmUgR5TQ
— Austin Evans (@austinnotduncan) March 3, 2021
But if it does come about, is it bananas that we will actually be using it on? Sony really committed to the example, but if all the possible fruit and vegetable controllers were put to the test, would bananas really emerge supreme? Unlikely.
The banana is a fruit with many drawbacks – it’s only going to last a few days before it goes off and you have to move on to your next controller. Their downfalls also exist in the short term, with a banana simply being too fragile for gameplay that has the potential to turn aggressive.
Think of the mess if you get too enthusiastic and swing real hard during a game of Ping Pong VR, or clench your fists in frustration when you lose a match of FIFA 21. Just think of it.
To be fair, Sony aren’t the first to consider gaming with bananas – Rudeism, a streamer who likes to play games wrong, played as Winston on Overwatch by aptly using bananas way back in 2016. Maybe Sony was inspired.
So, the fateful time has come to decide which fruit or vegetable would, in fact, be the best controller if the beloved banana does not pass the test. It can’t be too soft, nor too rigid. The shelf life can’t be too short (because nobody wants to be finding a new controller that regularly).
Perhaps the faithful apple, which is suitably firm and can be made to last in the fridge, yet has a round shape that may be less than ideal. Or possibly the trusty carrot, which is long enough to be comfortably held and isn’t likely to snap under pressure, but presents the issue of calibration getting all kinds of messed up if it gets soft and floppy.
No, it’s an underdog that will rise from the ashes to become the ultimate edible controller – the sweet potato. It’s a vegetable that can last, with a shelf life of three to five weeks in the pantry, two to three months in the fridge, and even longer in the freezer.
It’s also relatively cheap and packed with nutrients if actually being eaten is on the agenda. It’s solid enough to withstand some pressure without being rock-hard, and it’s typically longer than your average potato so there’s plenty of space for the virtual placement of buttons.
Sweet potatoes are the superior PS5 controllers.
Alternatively, you could just use something that’s not edible at all. Or, if you’re feeling real crazy, an actual controller.